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I am an emotional eater.

You don’t get to be over 300 lbs by eating in a rational manner.  I’ve been doing a pretty good job at identifying my binges and stopping them before they start, but yesterday I purposefully binged.  You see, there is something that has been bothering me for almost a week now…

My daughter attends preschool with a little boy 2 houses down.  Our kids are always playing together.  My husband works with this little boy’s father.  At the battalion Christmas party, our children sang Jingle Bells together.  Really an ideal setting.  Last Friday night I noticed an ambulance and other emergency vehicles outside of their house.  I didn’t really think much of it at the time.  It could’ve been any number of things.  Then, my husband was called into work the following morning, a Saturday.  My mind immediately went to the worst…..he’s deploying.  So, I anxiously awaited word from my husband about when the deployment preparations were to begin.  The call I received was much different.  It seems the little boy from two doors down had lost his Daddy VERY suddenly.  Little Boy’s Daddy was telling Little Boy’s Mommy that he had a terrible headache and collapsed.  By the time the paramedics arrived, he was gone.  Never to be revived.

As an Army wife in this day and age, I’ve built a callous up to death.  We’ve lost numerous friends in Afghanistan and Iraq.  It’s sad to hear, but we press on because we’re fighting the good fight.  I was not prepared to hear about an otherwise healthy 35 year old man dying so suddenly.  I think about their children….both of them so young.  I think about his wife…a young woman in her own right now having to deal with something that wasn’t supposed to happen until they were both old and grey.  Then I went to my dark place.  How would I deal with my own husband dying so suddenly?  We’ve endured two 15 month deployments where his safety was always in question.  We’ve filled out wills, talked about our last wishes…but what happens after that?  Would I be strong enough to deal with everything after?  Needless to say, I drove to Burger King yesterday and binged on a Whopper and onion rings.  I purposefully drove there after resisting the urge to stop at McDonalds after taking my daughter to school.  I knew what I was doing.  I contemplated throwing the bag of food into that trash when I came home.  I didn’t.  Instead I sabotaged myself and my hard work.  I did get something out of the binge though.  I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to die.  At this weight, I will die sooner rather than later.  I have to fix this.  I have to blog before I binge.  I have to talk to someone before I binge.  I have to get the toxic junk out of my heart before I end up putting toxic junk in my stomach

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